By Dr. Noel
5. White Collar Lakers Get an Ass Handing by Blue Collar Pistons
Ah what a pleasant and unexpected surprise, the mighty Los Angeles Lakers lose to the blue collar, workhorse, Detroit Pistons. This story was important for the year, not just because it is the first time in recent memory that a bunch of whiny superstars were beaten by an actual team of humble guys, but because of what the loss caused. All but five of the Lakers on this mighty “Dream Team” were traded or released including Shaquille O'Neal. This meant that the best Guard in the league, Kobe Bryant, got to have his own team of fairly talented, and speedy small guys while Shaq, “The Big Aristotle”, as he calls himself, got to take his skills to Miami. What is interesting about Shaq moving to Miami is this, when Shaq played in LA he was in a division called the Western Conference. Due to his enormity and the fact that he requires three defenders to stop him (mostly because of moves like the “Black Tornado”), the other 15 teams in the Western Conference stocked up on talented big men by stealing all of the talented big players from the Eastern Conference. Well, Miami is in the Eastern Conference (the other division in the NBA) and no one over there can deal with Shaq (except apparently for Detroit.) So teams in the east were suddenly in a desperate search for big men and the teams in the west began looking for talented guards to deal with Kobe. This series between Detroit and Los Angeles changed the entire look of the NBA in one summer.
4. Greece wins the Euro Cup
Every four years, soccer has it’s second biggest international tournament, the “Euro Cup.” In this tournament all of the best teams in Europe play to see who gets to brag for the next four years about being the best. The tournament included powerhouse teams from France, Holland, Portugal, England, Italy and Spain. These six teams were thought to be the only six with a legitimate chance of winning the cup. Greece barely even qualified for the tournament. But when the dust settled and the feet grew weary, Greece had beaten or tied each of the teams thought to be favored save for England and Italy who they never played. To this day, those wacky Greeks are still partying.
3. Bonds is a Druggie
By this time next year it is probable that Barry Bonds will have surpassed Hank Aaron as the all-time Home Run King of Baseball. He is already the single season Home Run King and was widely considered the greatest baseball player that ever played the game. That was until Autumn came around and we learned that Barry Bonds had been using undetectable, performance enhancing (they require me to say that), steroids. Suddenly the baseball world was turned upside down and Barry Bond’s records were given a big, fat, hairy, asterisk. This means that not only will his chase for glory, and Hank Aaron’s all time home run record be diminished, all of my fucking Barry Bonds Rookie Baseball cards have halved in value. Screw you Barry Bonds!!! I had like nine of those things.
2. No Hockey
The NHL cancelled hockey this year due to a lockout by the owners. Why would the owners lock their players out and keep from making millions on another season of hockey? Because no one likes hockey and they weren’t making millions! Don’t get me wrong, the sport is a blast to go see live and a national past time if you use words like, eh?, and hoser. But people refuse to watch it, most American’s don’t understand it and so it is not supported. Sadly however, the players still want to make as much as those guys in the NBA and in football, and so an agreement doesn’t look like it’s close. The bad news is that there is no more hockey this year. The interesting news is that no one is complaining.
1. Red Sox Win the World Series
This doesn’t seem like such a big deal to the average Joe who has no interest in sports, I mean doesn’t someone win the World Series every year? The answer is yes and no. Someone wins every year yes, but the Red Sox haven’t won since 1918. When they won in 1918, they boasted an ace pitcher named Babe Ruth who was turning into quite the hitter as well. Boston had won five world titles and was widely regarded as the best franchise in Baseball. Then the unthinkable happened, the owner of the Red Sox was having financial troubles and sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees to cover his teams bills. Since this happened, the Yankees took off to become the greatest franchise in Baseball history, and Boston began what was known as “The Curse of the Bambino” or the curse of Babe Ruth. Fans believed that because they sold Babe Ruth, they would never win a championship again. This proved to be true for many years, and the Red Sox had some spectacular blunders in key moments in order to keep this curse alive. To give you an idea, in 1986 they were 1 out away from a title, when a soft dribbler went through the legs of first baseman Bill Buckner. This error allowed two runs to score and the Red Sox lost the World Series. But somehow, someway, the Red Sox broke the curse and in 2004 they can now once again call themselves, “World Champions”... Of America.
Happy New Year and happy bangin’!
Love (Sexually),
Dr. Noel
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