So the Truthbringer meets me about a week ago and hands me two DVD’s. The first is Nightwatch (to be reviewed next) and the second is this steaming pile of a movie called Bad Girls From Valley High. At first I’m excited. “Truthbringer,” I ask, “does this have lots of naked coeds running around?” “Nay,” he replies. “Well, at least is it so awesomely bad that I will be at the edge of my seat wondering what schlock will happen next?” “Nay,” he replies again. “Then, why? Why do you hand me this garbage that will devour 90 minutes of my life?” “Because it features Chris D’Elia, a guy who went to our high school,” smiles Truthbringer.
So there you have it. I am entrusted to review this thing that’s supposed to be a movie because it features this schmo from my high school that I probably said hi to once. So here we go.
The plot of this dribble, if you can call it that, starts with the trio of bitchy high schoolers Danielle (the leader, Julie Benz), Tiffany (her sidekick, Nicole Bilderback) and Brooke (the reluctant follower, Monica Keena) walking through the halls of their school as if they own the place. Boys fall at their feet and girls look at them in awe. I swear, it’s Jawbreaker and Mean Girls all over again.
We meet Drew (Jonathan Brandis in his last role) the hunky former captain of the football team. Danielle has had a crush on Drew for years. She wants him to ask her to prom. But Drew had a girlfriend for the first three years of high school until she allegedly committed suicide by jumping off a cliff (my guess is, she just didn’t want to be in this movie). Drew was devastated and hasn’t been in the mood for a new girl for over a year. Danielle is desperate for Drew to ask her out so she finally decides to make a move. BUT in walks the foreign exchange student (haven’t we all seen this tired drawn out plot before). Katarina Wolf (Suzanna Urszuly), from Romania, is going to be serving her last year at the high school and, naturally, she and Drew hit it off.
Danielle is of course pissed off. It is revealed that she and her two cronies actually killed Drew’s ex-girlfriend by pushing her off the cliff. They decide to do the same thing to Katarina. When they fail, weird things begin to happen. The three evil girls start losing their hair. They get hemorrhoids and uncontrollable urinary attacks (I swear, I am not making this shit up). They believe the ghost of Drew’s ex-girlfriend has put a curse on them. But it actually turns out the stroke victim at the old folks home, who is also the grandmother of Drew’s ex-girlfriend (poor Janet Leigh in her last role), has drugged them with a super-aging serum. The girls get their comeuppance, Janet Leigh gets her revenge for the death of her granddaughter, Drew gets Katarina and I need a full frontal lobotomy after watching this shit.
So what about Chris D’Elia? Oh yeah, he plays a player on the football team who is dating Tiffany but always trying to get with other girls. He has a small role and even raps in one scene. Please kill me.
Also, Christopher Lloyd plays a teacher in the film who is accident prone and always getting hurt. I swear, Christopher Lloyd made a deal with Satan himself. Satan promised him a few good movie roles (The Back to the Future Trilogy and Clue) in exchange for him playing roles in garbage movies for the rest of his career (Baby Geniuses, anyone?).
So where does that leave us. Oh yeah, this movie sucks. I can’t put it any other way. I’m pretty sure Universal paid people to write good reviews about this film on Amazon. Cuz I don’t see anything redeeming about this film. The acting is BR-utal. The plot has been done a thousand times before. The only new thing is the supernatural aspect of the film. And that is ruined because you can see the “twist” in the movie a mile away. Besides, how does a stroke victim who can’t move get her hands on some super secret aging formula that’s being used as a weapon by the government?
I could be really mean and say now I know why Jonathan Brandis killed himself. It’s cuz he sat through this steaming pile o’ shit. But I won’t. I’m not that heartless…oh wait, yes I am. This movie makes people want to kill themselves.
I leave you with my favorite screen shot. If you notice behind the actors, you’ll see a map of the world. Above it you will see the caption “Map of the World”. Thanks for that, Mr. Art Director. I wasn’t sure what the map was depicting. God, the only people who would like this film are people who couldn’t figure out that was a map of the world!
I also want to share my other favorite part of the film. Danielle must find Katarina’s address in order to lure her out to her death. So she sneaks into the nurse’s office to get Katarina’s medical file. Danielle walks up to the filing cabinet. The top drawer is clearly labeled “A-G”. Danielle opens the drawer and miraculously Katarina’s file (even though her name is Katarina Wolf with a W, you fucking morons) is right on top.
FINAL ANALYSIS!
In conclusion, this movie sucks. Unless you know someone in the film like myself and Truthbringer you should never EVER see this movie. The original title of the film was A Fate Totally Worse Than Death. That’s what watching this movie is. It’s a fate totally worse than death.
Back to the DVD Reviews
Back to the Main Page