BINGO!! Because if there's one thing we know! Sunglasses make animals funny!!
This movie desperatley wanted to be good. It wanted to be so good that it might have actually forced me to shed a tear. But having seen what they have done to one of my favorit comic strips, there is nothing but blackness and hate in my heart.
Some key points about Garfield. At least, the Garfield I remember.
A) He is sarcastic beyond belief! Which is why when I heard Bill Murray was going to be doing the voice for Garfield, I was ecstatic beyond belief. Bill Murray! Ka-Loo Ka-Lay! Joyous day! Remember Ghostbusters? Caddyshack? Rushmore? Dear Lord, Bill Murray is excellent at sarcasm. But for some reason, he forgot that when he came into record the voice for this cat. Maybe he was asked in to do recordings for a Garfield toy and the guys went, "Hey! Mister Murray? You know, we're doing this movie for Garfield. Think you can spare 5 minutes to record the dialoug for the movie?"
In fact, I'm convinced that it was NOT Bill Murray, but maybe his brother Dill Murray. In case Bill forgot how to do so, here's a bit of sarcasm just for him.
*Ahem.* Your performance in Lost in Translation sure did warrant you that Academy Nom. And I promis to stay awake the next time I watch in on my DVD player.
Garfield in this movie is anything BUT sarcastic. He's as far from sarcastic as I am successfully completing a diet. There was nothing coming from Garfield's thoughts and musings, but short wacky quips. Which weren't funny. SAVED BY THE MIRACLE OF LASAGNA!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH... NO!!!!
B) Jon Arbuckle is a loser. Not a charmingly befuddled kid with a good sense of fashion. Jon wear plaid tuxedos with polk-a-dot bow ties. He thinks lampshade hats are funny, and chess by mail to be exciting. He is not Breckin Meyer! He is Will Ferrel or Ryan Stiles. Breckin Meyer isn't even Breckin Meyer. Talk about your terrible casting. Why Breckin Meyer? He's too good looking for the role of Jon, geeze, was Orlando Bloom to busy?
ORLANDO: The way you love vetrinary medicine Liz, that's the way I love Garfield.
Rythym and Hues did the CGI for this film. The same group of people who did X2: X-Men United. And I can say that they're company is quickly becoming a heavy contender. Because if there's one compliment I can at least give this load of cat shit, is that Garfield looked great! He looked like a real cat, but Garfield! Unfortunatly, there were times when Garfield himself suffered from not looking like he belonged in the scene. Like the rendering of him becoming photo-realistic for whatever seen he was in. Like Jar-Jar did in Episode 1. There were just times when he didn't look like he should have been there. Like a puppet might have been more convincing. But then they would turn around and totally make him look like he was part of the scene and interacting with everyone. Except whenever someone was supposed to be holding. Holy shit, is it that hard with today's infinte technology to make it look like someone is holding a CGI cat? All it shows is that Breckin Meyer is not talented enough an actor to make it look like he's holding a cat instead of a sack of potatoes.
And speaking of bags, who cast Jennifer Love Hewitt's grandmother? Wasn't it just a few years ago she was hot as all hell in the abismal I Know What You Did Last Summer? Now, not only is her terrible acting allowed to be in a movie based on a comic I love, but I guess 20th Century Fox didn't hire any make-up artists to hide her crows feet and wrinkled smile. This 50 year old is supposed to be the love interest of 30 year olf Jon Arbuckle? I think not!!!!
But what about the story? Isn't this what this is all about? The story? Well, the story is the icing on this tasteless cake. Basically, Garfield is on cloud 9, when Liz the vet convinces love dumb Jon to adopt Odie. Suddenly Garfield's world is turned upside down. But as stubborn as he is, he does not leave the block his house is on, because the world out there is just to big to be a part of. Everything he could ever need is brought to him.
So on Jon and Liz's first date, they take Odie to a dog show. But Garfield sneak into the back of the truck and goes to the show with them. LEAVING THE CUL DE SAC!!!!! Remember that.
He causes chaos at the dog show, but sneaks back home. But then Odie runs away and is kidnapped by a local Infomercial Sleazbag in a grand huge scheme to get this dog to make him famous, and then RULE THE WORLD!!! Mwa hahahahahahahahaha!!!
So Garfield, in a huge epic moment of the movie, decides to leave the cul-de-sac. And in a huge instrumental moment he sets a paw off of his curb muttering, "Garfield has left the cul-de-sac!!"
*Sniff* I haven't felt this emotional since Frodo left Sam on those stairs. WAIT A MINUTE!!! HE'S ALREADY LEFT THE CUL-DE-SAC!!!! He left it about 20 minutes ago. What the shit? Why is it making such a big deal about this now? GODDAMMIT!!!!
FINAL ANALYSIS!
I want this movie to erase itself from my memories. It has scortched itself in there and refuses to leave. I see it in my nightmares!!! Whenever I close my eyes I can see it. Breckin Meyer taunting me, Jennifer Love Hewitt laughing inanely. And Bill Murray. Speaking with the muttering of a man who has forgotten how to be funny in movies. He was great on Letterman when he was dressed as a clown. But I can't IMAGINE!! why they wouldn't show a clip of Garfield. Not for the life of me.
And for me, the only fat cat I want in my life, is mine.
Garfield on the other hand, can stay in theaters and could so kindly do me the favor of never, ever releasing itself to DVD.
Back to the 3rd Annual Summer Film Follies Fest.
