Okay, bad analogy.
G.I. JOE is a noisy movie featuring the hottest A listers in Hollywood today shooting guns at each other, making things ka-blooey, and generally runnin amok through several countries around the world all in the name of peace, tolerance, and the American way. In other words, it's your standard summer fare that delivers on everything it promised and lived up to no expectation of being an academy award winner. It wants to put butts in seat, and mouth gnashing on over salted popcorn. I however, was amazed at my anticipation for seeing the movie. It brought back feelings that I had thought long dead and quashed beneath the boot of the mighty studio churning out quantity instead of quality. It took me back to a time when twelve year old me, was buying every magazine I could get my hands on with spy shots and on-set photos of JURASSIC PARK. A movie that had me shaking with anticipation at it's release. When my entire world revolved around getting into that theater to see what happens when science runs rampant. I bought every collectors cup from McDonald's. All but one that is. And then when I went to see said film there was a guy in the theater WITH my coveted cup. I arranged to purchase his empty cup from him after the movie for $3.00. I was so excited for this movie that even though it was dreadful, poorly written and acted piece of CGI mastery I loved every minute, second, and frame that went by.
I haven't felt like that for a long time. THE LORD OF THE RINGS almost re-captured that emotion from me, but it was winter. And I just can't get that same level of excitement when my balls have retracted that far up into my abdomen.
This summer, I felt that anticipation and anxiousness returning once again. This time in the form of a cartoon I barely watched as a child. G.I. JOE. To me, as a kid, G.I. Joe was merely something that inconvenienced me until D'ffrent Strokes would start. I would catch maybe the last 10 minutes of the episode, and then the PSA where Duke, or Shipwreck, or even Snow Job would come out and tell you how to stop a nosebleed, or avoid the clap. And then shout about how learning was half the battle.
Stephen Sommers somehow found himself behind a camera again. After movies like THE MUMMY RETURNS and VAN HELSING, I was shocked by this discovery. If Michael Bay writes his movies around car crashes and airplane wrecks, Stephen Sommer writes his movies around CGI and this movie delivers CGI in spades. On the whole however it is not an all together terrible film.
The cast for the most part is pretty watchable. Sadly I must admit that Channing Tatum is as well. Even more shocking than that is Marlon Wayans. Looks like DANCE FLICK will remain the obligatory annual Wayans POS this year. Sienna Miller as the Baroness is boner inducingly hot, and Ray Park as Snake Eyes is boner inducingly awsome. I'd like to be able to tell you about Joseph Gordon-Levitt's portrayal as The Doctor/Cobra Commander, but he just isn't in it enough to make any sort of impression. The make up is kind of cool, but who gives a shit. The movie is called THE RISE OF COBRA, and the script thusly enforces that. Because he doesn't actually become the Commander until the last five minutes of the movie. Maybe in the sequel we'll finally see him in the most infamous of all cartoon villains.
Arnold Vosloo who reunites with Sommers for the first time since MUMMY RETURNS thankfully gets to wear a shirt and pair of pants in this movie. He plays master of disguise Zoltan. Who, *SPOILER* will mimic and replace the President of the United States, mister Jonathan Pryce. Which still sits in my craw that Jonathan Pryce would be our President in this Universe. To be sworn in as President in our country, one must be born in this country. Jonathan Pryce is as British as Churchill and doesn't even go to the trouble to hide his British accent. A lord of horse shit if you ask me. He deserved to be replaced with a fake.
Inherently there is nothing wrong with this movie as long as you aren't looking for anything deeper than excuse to experience awsome stunts and fights, corny criminals with cheesy catch-phrases, and enough CGI to amaze even the hardest core movie skeptics. Let me be honest, this ain't gonna change the face of movie making like JURASSIC PARK, STAR WARS, or CITIZEN KANE did. But it will make you want to run out and buy the toys, and then create a little dam in your back yard for your new friends to play in before the flood (garden hose) wipes them all out.
It's finally a good summer to be ten again.
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