THIS MUST BE THE MAGICAL INCANTATION TO SUMMON A STORM OF SHIT
ORDER OF THE PHOENIX is so attrociously bad that if you've never read any of the books you will sit there and ponder over what the fuck the big interest is in this series. Frankly, this movie is insulting to anyone who claims themself to be a fan of the bespectacled teenager.
What's good with this movie? Daniel Radcliffe is maturing as an actor. What's wrong with the movie? Every-fucking-thing else! The way the movie opens however, would lead you to believe that you were about to see an honest to goodness film. Much like how the 3rd and 4th incarnations were. It opens not magically, but in reality. A high shot of a hot and dusty trail with a lone figure traversing to the isolated playground. Then shit goes down with the Dementors and you're sitting there going, "Ahh yeah this movie is going to be off the hook." And then it isn't. It enfuriating. The problem being is that the book is well over 900 pages. So obviously a lot of stuff had to be cut from the film. Important stuff, but stuff we could probably live without. Unfortunatley the writer and director could not pick one story line to follow. This thing mish mashes into so many story threads that the main objective is completley lost. It's fine with me if the movie needs to go down several different threads, but the problem is none of those threads last for more than two minutes! In fact, they last for all of two seconds in most cases.
Per usual in these movies, anything that doesn't precisely focus on Harry Potter or his friends is cut drastically. It's not unusual for actors like Alan Rickman and Maggie Smith to find their (crucial) characters in a film for all of two seconds. But it's still infuriating that this trend continues. Especially when you've got really visually amazing characters like Gary Oldman's Sirius Black. Or the shape-shifting Tonks, or Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix, or even Brendan Gleeson back as the real Mad Eye Moody. It's seriously to the point where I'm starting to not give a shit about Harry Potter. Because I'm so sick of looking at him and not the side characters I'm really interested in.
Even Ron and Hermione are pushed aside. Seriously! I'm not kidding! Rupert Grint and Emma Watson, unless they were stading right behind or beside Daniel Radcliffe would not have been in this movie at all. I don't even know why all three of them got their hands in the Mann Chinese cement. Warner Bros. executives sat behind their desks saying, "These two kids should only be talking in reference to Harry. As in 'That was a brilliant thought Harry had', or 'Where's Harry?' Or especially, 'Have you bought your offically liscensed Harry Potter lunchbox yet?'"
Two welcome additions who did get their time to shine were Evanna Lynch and Imelda Staunton as Luna Lovegood and Dolores Umbridge respectively. Lynch brings a little charm and innocence to the character of Luna who is that 100%. Perhaps if she were an actress instead of just a hard core Harry Potter fan like the rest of the fucking world. Staunton is great as Umbridge. A real bitch. Which is just what that character is. I don't think anyone else could have played Umbridge any better. Her performance was a welcome beacon to this otherwise boring and lifeless movie.
The big fight twixt Voldemort and Dumbeldore, a scene I've been waiting to see visualized for all these long years, falls flat on it's ass. The production designers I think have used all of their creativity when it comes to this huge and imaginitive world J.K. Rowling created. There's just no way to keep translating her work to visual form. These talentless designers don't have half the imagination or magic Miss Rowling has. This movie is just garbage from beginning to end.
FINAL ANALYSIS!
I was not expecting to hate this movie at all. I wanted to love this movie as I have 3 and 4. This just keeps going to show that what promised to be an amazing summer is falling totally on it's face. This is just another lackluster piece of shit in a less than stellar summer.
Not to mention the retarded rabble of teenagers that were the primary audience at this midnight show. This also dragged down the night. Usually the audience that sees a show at midnight is really excited to see the movie they're in line for. Not this hopeless lot. They (like most teenagers) think they're opinion is the only one that matters and that everyone has to hear what they have to say at the very minute. They hooted and hollered the whole night, and really seemed to enjoy the movie. Of course you could have also shown a two hour film reel of a monkey masturbating and they probably would have gotten the exact same amount of entertainment.
Which is what basically this film version of Harry Potter is. A monkey masturbating.
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