Lindsay Lohan, or, The Only Other Girl Besides Raven Symone To Sell Her Soul To Disney, head lines this car wreck. Honestly it's not the whole bubble-gum image that Lindsay has that really irritates me. It's not this goody two-shoe act that all these young actors associated with Disney try to pull. It's the simple fact that none of these kids (save for Shia LaBeouf) can ACT!!! It's just awful!! Lindsay is no more an actress than I am a brain surgeon. Just because you are put in a movie and given lines to say, and just because you manage to say them without flubbing them, does not mean you are an actress. The whole range of Lindsay Lohan's acting is simple. Happy, Sad, Irritated, What Is Going On? "What is going on" is a new emotion added to the already complicated spectrum of emotions that Lindsay herself has invented. Because every 2.5 seconds after meeting Herbie that is the phrase that will be shooting out of her mouth.
To be fair, there were 1 or 2 spots in the movie where Lindsay Lohan did show some real acting potential. Basically when she would plead with her father to let her race in the big NASCAR event. Very faint sights of a future as a serious actor lie behind those scenes.
More attrociously than her acting however is Disney and Hollywood in general's decision to digitally remove things from movies. It started with Asston Kutcher and his Kaballa bracelet being erased from not 1 but 2 movies, costing the studios $100,000 to do so. But now in Herbie we have Disney digitally erasing Lohan's excess cleavage and boobage. I'm sure it cost more than $100,000 to do that, but the real crime is....THEY ERASED CLEVAGE AND BOOBAGE! Probably the only reason I would have had to give this movie a higher score. Sure, sure, I know this movie is just for kids, and it's rated G and all that. But how bad could the clevage have been? Was she keeping pencils down there? Maybe some new spark plugs that she would occassionally reach down there and pull out? Hachi-Machi. I can only imagine the Disney animator sitting behind his computer, erasing clevage and what not, and tears of sadness streaming down his face. You just know someone out there has an extra jiggly edition of Herbie floating around.
Lindsay Lohan aside, the rest of the cast is just as awful. Offering nothing of any interest to the movie in general. Let's take for instance, oh I don't know...BRECKIN MEYER! A man who'se follow ups to GARFIELD!!!! Include Herbie: Fully Loaded, and Rebound!!!! Does this guy not notice box office poison when he sees it? Could he possibly be thinking that "Hey! I might get an Oscar nomination if I do Garfield, Herbie, or Rebound." Or maybe it's the other way around. Maybe it's more along the lines of "Beggars can't be choosers. Gotta eat somehow." Considering his career now, he's certainly come a long way from the video game loving loser in Nightmare on Elm Street 6. But not long enough to make us forget about The Craft. (Of which I was the only person in the audience of) Breckin Meyer plays Lohan's brother. A driver who just can't drive. And his families racing legacy is pretty much resting on his shoulders. So hence, he fails and the legacy rests with Lohan and Herbie. If I were these siblings father, I'd have shot myself in the face long ago.
Justin Long plays Lohan's love interest in the film. It's really sad to him sink to this level. His first movie was Galaxy Quest. Which I loved. Then along came Jeepers Creepers. And even though I hated the whole Monster from Hell aspect, and the psychic element, I thought Justin did an outstanding job. It pains me to see such a promising career turn to shit. He's done Dodgeball, and Ron Burgundy and now Herbie. Three movie's that I despise. With such a promising talent this kid needs to pick better projects. I fear the upcoming one he's a part of. The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang.
STEVEN SPIELBERG: And the Oscar goes to....It's a clean sweep! The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang!
The one bit of casting that I have no problems with whatsoever is Jill Richtie as Lohan's best friend. Meow!!! Schwing! Nuff' said.
Then there's the bottom of the barrel. The rest of the cast. Including the insufferable Matt Dillon. Who surprisingly, his tendancy to overact is just right for his role as the family's racing rival. He's that sort of over the top villian that all the Herbie movies had before. In that regard, mission accomplished Mister Dillon.
Scarping along the bottom of Hollywood careers we get Michael Keaton. Who'se last movie White Noise, made me want my money back. And I saw it for free. Does anyone remember when he used to be Tim Burton's go-to boy? That was way before Johnny Depp entered the scene. Beetleguese was a great movie for Burton and Keaton. Then came the Batman movies and it seemed that Burton would have kept the dashing Keaton. Boy did Burton trade up when he got gaunt and lonely Johnny Depp on scene for Edward Scissorhands. Do you think Keaton harbors any resentment for Depp? How would you feel if it was Keaton in Scissorhands, Ed Wood, or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? In Herbie: Fully Loaded, Keaton turns out an admirable job. He's the father trying to keep this faimly of failures together and he doesn't want his daughter racing. Natural sentements. Keaton does a fine job in this movie. Of course, saying you're the best actor in a movie starring Lindsay Lohan and Breckin Meyer is like saying your frost bitten foot doesn't look as bad as your leprosy covered hand.
The real undeniable star of the movie is of course, Herbie. A 1967 Bug turned puppet. In the older films there was no technology to turn a car into a giant puppet. But thanks to modern marvels like CGI and animatronics that's nothing but a flick of the wrist to give a car eyes, and a mouth for emoting. For those of you unfamiliar with Herbie. He's alive. He's like Johnny 5 in Short Circuit but far less annoying because he doesn't talk. He has a mind of his own and desires of his own. What I don't understand is that this little car is doing all sorts of whacky things, like smiling, shaking while it's being buffed, and then dries itself off like a dog when it's wet by shaking it's body around to get the water off. Yet Lindsay and her dummy boy friend don't figure out until the end of the movie that the car is a living character. I mean, they're standing right there while it shakes water off of itself and then laugh at it for doing it. Then they talk and they're completley oblivious to the fact that this thing can think on it's own. And she's a college graduate!!!!
FINAL ANALYSIS!
Kids may hate this movie as much as I do. It's one of those things that talks down to kids and treats them like idiots. They don't take into consideration that kids are smarter than we give them credit for. If you tell a kid this car is alive and can think for itself, they'll believe you. You don't have to show it with the car making big goofy grins and sad faces. Disney Studios knew that back in the 60's. That didn't stop people from seeing Herbie. They made like 7 of those films.
This is director Angela Robinson's 2nd outing into the world of movie making. The first being the movie critic punching bag D.E.B.S. Herbie is an okay follow up to that. It's deffinitly a step up. But seriously, ANYONE could have made this movie. This isn't going to be the big break through movie studio executives will talk about when they need to find someone to direct the next Gone With The Wind, or Laurence of Arabia. Another by the numbers, text book demonstration on how a movie gets made. Granted it's for kids, but if you've gotten the chance to direct a big movie show a little flair and creativity. You know, not everyone gets a chance like this.
All in all, I knew what I was getting myself into. I just wanted to see if Disney could still capture and bottle that magic that made me believe that Herbie, a car of no obvious significant importance could actually be a living being. For some reason that ability has been lost to them. Nice try, but flashy CGI and a pop culture starlette do not a good movie make.