Tim Olyphant plays Agent 47, the born and bred professional killer. If you don't know who he is, he was the bad guy in DIE HARD 4 and Sheriff Bullock in the HBO series DEADWOOD. Actually, deadwood describes his acting ability pretty accurately. I like the guy but he's not really the best actor on Earth. Being in HITMAN further proves this point. If you keep track on your movie history you'll know that Vin Diesel was originally asked to play Agent 47, but passed on the prospect. God help me, I think he might have been a better choice.
For the unaware, HITMAN is based on the video game series by Eidos. Until recently I hated the games. They were hard and complicated and frustrating. Until they released a sequel for the XBOX 360. Then I fell right in love with the series. So much so that I went back and played the other games which I mysteriously fell in love with. Right away that should have been factored in when I bought my ticket for this. I went with BOZ and JOE, and BOZ quickly said "How good can this be? It's a video game turned movie. It's either going to be MORTAL KOMBAT or STREET FIGHTER. Sadly it was the latter.
The sad thing is the story about Agent 47 is a complex and intriguing story about deception and corporate America, and world domination, and cloning and shit. Think you're going to find any of that here? Guess again. This is a story about betrayal that I could hardly ever follow. It is so convoluted and full of minor twists and turns that afterwards when we sitting down for lunch, BOZ had to explain the whole thing to me. If there's one thing I hate, it's a story I can't follow. What is so complicated about that? Tell a story for Christ Sake! Even if it's a shitty story just tell it so that I can follow it.
The problem clearly starts from the conception of this movie. It was trying to be something it's not. A flashy 21st Century version of a more ruthless James Bond. While I will give this movie credit for having far flashier action scenes than any James Bond film, it holds no candle to the man himself.
When I say flashy action scenes, I mean it. Clearly all the money went into making the stunts and fights as spectacular as possible. For that. . . .Job well done. Especially the most ludicrous one in the whole film. When three other born and bred killers are sent to eliminate Agent 47 and it comes down to a Mexican standoff. They all unanimously decide to fight with honor. In which they drop their guns and all reveal two short blade katanas hidden behind their backs. Practical? Fuck no. Cool? Hell yes! Especially the fight that ensues. Which actually makes it a shame that this movie sucks because the fight scenes are so awesome! Including the gun fight where Henry Ian Cusick (Desmond from LOST) gets killed with a single bullet. That'll teach him to be part of a plotless portentous television show!
Okay, so the plot sucks, the action is cool, Desmond from LOST gets killed. Is there possibly anything else that could lead you into the theatre? Yes. Your cock. Olga Kurylenko who plays Nika. Sadly for the audience she has a plethora of speaking parts. She has the most annoying voice/accent since Fran Drescher, Ray Ramono, Chris D'Elia, Lucille Ball, well you get the picture. She is barely comprehendible. She tickles the asshole of unlistenable. But she also gets naked! And. . .wow. What an ass. Give her the Oscar! (How much more watch-able wou;d the Academy Awards be if they had a Best Nude scene?)
As hot as she is, I doubt we'll be seeing her again. She does films like LE SERPENT and LE PORTE-BONHEUR. So maybe I'll be checking those out on Netflix at some point in the future. Just to see if those movie contain anymore of her nude scenes.
FINAL ANALYSIS!
So can I recommend this? No, fuck no. The complete opposite of recommend. As far from recommend as one can get. If you're a fan of the game this takes everything the game set up and takes a giant shit on it. If you've never played the games than you will be literally bored to death on an Agent 47 level of skill.
But you do get a naked chick, and Desmond dies.
Considering that most of the people in the theatre besides us were the only ones not sneaking into the theatre. And even those kids were leaving the theatre disappointed. Hanging there heads ins shame for having snuck into HITMAN,/i> instead of THE MIST.
At least there's one consolation that can be taken. With this movie opening at number 4 in the box office it's almost assured that HITMAN 2 will never rise from the ashes of it's dead brother.
Back to the Main Page
Back to the Movie Reviews