Not that was the only thing fundamentally wrong with the new Legend of Zorro, sequel to The Mask of Zorro. There was a plethora of awful directions the story and the movie itself went. Sitting in the sneak preview audience for this movie was very confusing, because people were laughing at happenings that just weren't funny. I wish the director, Martin Campbell (Who was present bytheway) would have sat up front next to the screen with 2 different colored laser pointers. Green for when stuff was supposed to be exciting, and red for when stuff was supposed to be funny. Then I might have gotten the same enjoyment the rest of the people sitting around me did.
Basically this thing plays like the biggest cliche you've ever seen. The opening scene for instance takes place pretty much like how the last one did. With Zorro getting a jump on the villians before their disruption of the town can escelate into something much bigger. And of course, Zorro always has a plan. He wouldn't be Zorro if he were planless. And you know his plan for taking out the ring leader of this little band of miscreants. Toss his hat from a top a building, down through the town square, and square in the face of the horse perched nasty. Knocking said nasty off of said horse and to the ground.
You have to be f'ing kidding me. A hat?! Have any of you been hit by a hat recently? There's nothing to them. It's felt barely held together by stitching. Even a hat expertly thrown by a professional hat tosser would lose most of it's momentum as it traveled over the course of 100 feet! Hat aside, the biggest cliche of all cliche times come when a child is almost run over by a stampede of the rushing baddies. And Zorro just has to swoop in an save her and then hand said kid back to a tearful yet thankful mother. Come on! I've seen Spider-Man do that twice now. Thus far, this is not impressing me.
The real story comes in when Zorro's wife (Catherine Zeta Jones) tells him that it's either the life of a hero, or the life of a family man. Of course, Zorro must choose the life of a hero. Leaving her in a delicate situation where she ultimatley divorces him. Thankfully, her and Zorro have been blessed with a young boy to carry on their name sakes. And dear Jesus H. is this the most annoying goddamn kid on the face of planet Earth. You could search the entire newly formed state of California and not find another kid as annoying as this one.
"Oy, Poppy. Youarenotarealmanbecauseyoudonotfightforwhatyoubelieveinandyoudonotreallylovemeandmommyquepasaenchilladacinnemonchips!"
So damn annoying. And yes we all realize he's the son of Zorro, you don't need to show us that he knows how to backflip and shit like that. But nontheless a child backflipping is exactly what we will get. As his school Padre is trying to teach him his lessons little Zorro mouths off and the Padre tries to whack the living crap outta him with a yardstick ruler. Thank God someone's decided to try to knock him around the room. But he ends up pulling out his own ruler and dueling the Padre right there in class. Then the Padre gets really mad and tries to KILL the kid. Holy shit Father, smack him around a little, but don't send him to the grave! Adding little kids to movie sequels is instant kiss of death. It's just asking for audiences to flee the theatre and never return. Just look at Mummy Returns? Bad enough you've got Brendan Fraser in there, but throw in a blonde smart alecky kid and it's poison. Legend of Zorro will fall on it's face because of this little kid. Mark my words.
As is most cases with movies that are truly no fun to watch, the most interesting characters are the villans. And this one has a villan that is great to watch. Although his name is as easy to forget as the name of the guy who played him, he had a dark religious side to him. A mean streak like you wouldn't believe, and a burn scar in the shape of a cross on the right side of his face. He's awsome to watch. He's daring, intruiging, bold, assertive, dangerous and...and....WHAT THE HELL!!!! Awwww! Sunnuvabitch! No wonder I like this guy so much. I've seen him a hundred times before already in one of the best comic mini-series available! Goddamn it Martin Campbell! Come up with your own characters!!
Legend of Zorro, when it comes right down to it, is basically watching The Mask of Zorro. Without Anthony Hopkins. Which is already strike 1 against it. Pretty much all the same jokes are there, most of the dialouge is the same. In the end I wish they'd have also kept the same story, because the one they came up with is just plain ridiculous. The french have come up with nitro gliceryn. And they intend to use it to threaten the USA into their demands. And the way they obtain the Nitro? They melt down soap bars. That's right, smugglers in the middle of the Californian desert are smuggling soap bars into the newly formed state. It's a plot device that is just void of any and all creativity and really sells the note that movie studios think we're all retarded to actually be entertained by a plot like that. It leaves open a device that really could have been cool, involving a group of American undercover agents, The Pinkertons, and they're desire to use Zorro's wife in their plots. However, they meet their end in the middle of the movie. I guess we are supposed to know that because for less than a second we get to glimpse 2 frozen corpses in a freezer that look nothing like The Pinkertons we've seen through the whole movie. Leaving me to ask at the end of the screening, WHERE THE HELL ARE THE PINKERTONS?
I wish I could tell you about the music or soundtrack. But the screening I went to had no music yet. Just stuff burned from Aliens, and other already released movies. You'll just have to suck it up and sit through this this dredge if you really have a strong desire to hear the music. I'd rather you throw $10 the studios way with a ticket than $20 with a stupid CD.
FINAL ANALYSIS!
Legend of Zorro should never be released unless there is one drastic change. Go back and make the movie all over again. It's seriously that bad. Zorro is deffinitly on the down low. And it's there he should stay.
Antonio does a good job as the swashbuckler, but that's like saying Mel Gibson does a good job of being the cop on the edge. There's no trick to it anymore for this guy. One thing though that I noticed that was seriously, SERIOUSLY lacking was the first sword fight he had in the movie. Zorro's sword is his life. Without it, the guy's f'ed. Through the entire 15 minutes of the opening sequence he's refrained from using it, but when the time comes for him to unsheath, there should have been a big, big to-do about it. A close up, or a slow-mo shot. Anything that gives this sword it's own life. That would have been a great money shot. But Martin Campbell I guess doesn't care about stuff like that. Doesn't care about the real legend of Zorro, or what Zorro even stands for. And for once, during a Zorro movie there were HARDLY any "Z's"!!! What the fuck is a Zorro movie if you don't have any letter "Z's" all over the place?
The Legend of Zorro is a legen I do not want read to me, shown to me, or told to me. Lock it up and wish it away. I'll go see The Legend of Bagger Vance, before I see The Legend of Zorro.
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