Michael Keaton is actually quite extraordinary. He has the ability to get cast in movies that will only drag him further away from any sort of recognition or award Hollywood could ever bestow on him. Like a drag car that opened it's parachute to early. But you know, it's not like he really has the option to hand pick his own scripts. For Christ's sake, he was Jack Frost! You don't do a movie like Jack Frost when you're the top of the LA Game.
This movie takes FORRRRRRRRREEEEEEVER to get started. By the time we come upon the actual white noise and how the people from beyond the grave communicate with us you're already wondering what you're going to be eating for dinner. Should I get chicken or beef? As one of the richest architech's on earth, Jonathon Rivers suffers a terrible loss when his beautiful wife disappears for days. And trust me, it will seem like she's been missing for days, and days, and days. Finally it comes down that her body has been discovered, and that she is sending messages to some stranger who uses tv and radio static to communicate with the dead.
Thus begins Jonathon's decent into the mystery that is EVP, or Electronic Voice Phenomenon. Which is a subject that not many people in the world are familiar with, that should have been the springboard for a movie that not only deals with this strange occurence, but could make for a creepy good time. Instead, this movie quickly becomes a mysterious whodunnit. Basically the only cast members missing were Abbot and Costello, and possibly the kids from Scooby-Doo. Jonathon is tormented throught the film by three mysterious ghosts who can only communicate with,
PIG, BITCH, THE PIG IS OURS!!!! Wow, how completley "original"! I haven't heard phrases used like that since THE EXORCIST!!! Only one of the scariest movies to ever escape a twisted writer's mind. To try to even attempt to copy this sort of writing into another movie well...if you're going to flat out steal like that, at least you can steal from the best. All I'm saying is you flat out stole this from The Exorcist.
The three ghost entites as the movie unfolds, are behind some dastardly deeds. Devising plots and the like in order to torment and kill the living. Thankfully Jonathon's meddling allows him to intervene and stop these plans, which then have them set their sites on him. I seriously doubt many of you will see this movie, so I'm going to spoil the hell outta it. The three ghosts chasing Jonathon around? They're no one. I mean, I'm sure they're someone, but you never, ever, ever find out who the hell they are. They hire a human to bring about their plans of terror and horror. At then finale when everythins is supposed to be resolved,we find out who their puppet is. The mysterious man behind these killings? An obscure guy who we met for all of 3 seconds two hours ago. Do they possibly expect me to remember this lump the whole way through the movie, or even care about him?
Michael Keaton's performance in this movie is as static as the noise he's trying to zone in on for messages. You might as well have cast a piece of beachwood and let it stand in place for him. You would have gotten the same caliber of acting. Keaton's expressions go from mild bemusment to utter bereftment and anger with the subtlest quiver of his lip. ACTING!!! Oh but what terrible acting it is. Is there any surprise that he's in the next Herbie The Lovebug movie? Is that really shocking news? As bad as this movie is however, Universal Studios will still make back every dime they spent on this movie when uninformed people pay admission to the theme parks to see the new White Noise interactive walk-thru maze. Right next to the Ray maze, but the secret to that one is, they just turn out the lights.
FINAL ANALYSIS!
Like grand tradition it seems to be these years, one of the worst movies ever to be made opens up the year. Butterfly Effect had that honor in 2004, and this year it seems to be White Noise's turn. But holy crap, if White Noise had opened last year, it easily would have been a huge conetender in the top 10 worst. Universal stole that from me this time. I have to wait 11 more months before I can slap White Noise with a specified number. Trust me, I will too.
Michael Keaton's lackluster career hits all time lows with this movie. I thought Jack Frost was his worst, but at least it can be said that it was made for children. This movie, I have no idea who it was for. Maybe for lobotomy patients, but even this movie I wouldn't wish upon them.
This is only the first movie of the year. It has to get better folks. Just hang in there.