DAN IN REAL LIFE: THE ONLY THING REAL

ARE MY TEARS

This movie is a lot like MEET THE PARENTS. Not because it's a good film, funny film, or even an entertaining film. It's like MEET THE PARENTS because I can't understand why in God's name a normal man would put up with a family as ridiculous, self centered or selfish as the ones in both films. Just like how Ben Stiller should have told Robert DeNiro to "Go fuck himself", and not marry his whorish selfish daughter, Steve Carell a Dan Burns should have told his family to go right to hell and walk out of the cabin.

Dan Burns, a self help columnist for some sort of newspaper is a recent widower. This time of the year, he's taking his three daughters to a cabin in the Seattle woods to spend a holiday with his whole family. What holiday? The closest I can surmise is that the holiday is Thankrismagiving Day. They actually never tell you what holiday they're celebrating. But the weather is cold. Because. . .everyone is wearing sweaters.

Steve Carell plays his role of exasperated single father putting up with a retarded selfish family as best as he can. Truth is there are very little instances for him to be funny because the movie is generally boring and depressing to the point where suicide for an audience member might seem a viable option. First of all, his three surviving daughters are really, really annoying. The oldest one is claiming her love for a boy she hardly knows so much that one of the songs that should have been credited at the end of the film could have been, "I love him!" Because you will hear that phrase at least 700,000 times before the final frame rolls. If she had said it one more time, I seriously would have stabbed my ear drum with my soda straw.

Then it turns out his brother is Dane Cook. Enough said right? I mean who can stand Dane Cook anymore? This time he tries to show that he can be a funny actor, and a serious actor at the same time. Because there's like, drama and stuff in this film. Plenty of chances for him to even throw in some of that classic Dane Cook charm. HAHAHAHAHA. . .kill me.

The rest of the family? All 25 of the people living under the roof for this holiday? Just as ignorant to Dan's feelings as a bum with shit in his pants sitting on the side of the road. And for some reason there's an Asian kid running around the house. And no Asian wives for any of the three brothers of Dan. Which means someone adopted this kid, or the cabin is an international holding house for multi-cultured children.

The real story of course, is that Dan meets and swoons a woman in the local bookstore and instantly is charmed and smitten with her. He hasn't felt like that about a girl for a long, long time. She leaves the store with Dan's number and he goes back to the cabin to tell his tale of flirting and picking up chicks with his brothers when Dane's girlfriend, who the family is meeting for the first time, walks through the door. And guess who she is. That's right. The girl Dan was so flirtacious with at the bookstore. Juliette Binoche plays the girl Marie. And you'll know Juliette Binoche from, well if you're a fan of this website chances are you have no fucking clue who Juliette Binoche is.

She stars off all sweet and alluring and everyone in the house falls in love with her while completely giving Dan the shaft . But then Dan's parents set Dan up on a date and Marie gets all of a sudden crazy, jealous bitch on him all of a sudden. Just further proving that everyone in the house deserves love and happiness except Dan. Why this idiot named Dan would even stick around this house for longer than a day is beyond me. I would have packed up and left about 48 hours into this living breathing nightmare.

Okay, so besides the vacant comedy, the horrible, horrible characters, the story in this film? 100% predictable. Every fucking cliche you can think of for a family film is in this movie. The youngest daughter wants to show something special to Dan, but he constantly ignores her because he's busy. How much do you want to bet that she made something special for him? Dan hasn't played the guitar or sang since the death of his wife four years ago. You think there's any chance that maybe at some point during the movie he's going to pick up a guitar at one point and maybe sing a little song? Oh, and then he and Marie finally realize they're love for each other at a bowling alley that is so empty they could have fucked in the number four lane and not bothered anyone. Any guesses as to who is going to walk through the bowling alley doors? That's right, the whole family.

God, what a terrible film.

FINAL ANALYSIS!

Steve Carell is a funny man. He's just got funny in his bones. Why in the name of Jesus the Jew would he say "YES" to this awful film?

This is an uninspired, unimagined, unfunny film. Just complete tosh from the beginning to the end. It's just. . . .amazing at how not funny it is. Avoid it at all costs. AT. . .ALL. . .COSTS!!!!

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