OR HOW TO WASTE THREE HOURS OF YOUR LIFE
I was excited about this film. It’s got a great cast. I love Matt Damon. I like Robert DeNiro in non-comedic roles. William Hurt, Joe Pesci, Alec Baldwin…the list goes on and on. Now, I hate Angelina Jolie, but for once, she wasn’t what ruined the film.
It also has a great premise. A fictitious look at the birth of the CIA with spying, secrets, intrigue, national security, it should have been really interesting.
Unfortunately, I have to tell you what this movie is all about. But I can’t. This movie isn’t ABOUT ANYTHING! The story tries to revolve around Edward Wilson (Matt Damon). But Edward Wilson is the most uninteresting guy ever to walk the earth. He is emotionless. He is boring. He doesn’t do anything. For a guy who works for the CIA, he doesn’t do any spying. He doesn’t do any consulting. In fact, all he does do is have a lot of secret meetings with people who vaguely fit into the plot and talk about stuff that doesn’t really have anything to do with this film.
Edward finds his dad has killed himself when he was 6 years old. His dad left a note which little Eddie hides and never tells anyone about. He never even reads the note himself. That’s great! But what the fuck does that have to do with the birth of the CIA or older Edward? NOTHING! That’s what. It’s just there to be there.
Edward goes to Yale where he joins the Skull and Bones secret society. This gives him a few connections who eventually help him into the CIA. Other than those meetings I told you about before, what does this have to do with the plot? NOTHING! That’s what. It’s just there to be there.
In fact, the only good plot in this movie has nothing to do with the CIA. At Yale, Edward meets Laura (fantastically played by Tammy Blanchard) a young deaf woman. They fall in love but Edward is ashamed to introduce her to his new Skull and Bones uptight friends. So he keeps their affair a secret. This is actually kind of interesting. Again, it has nothing to do with the CIA but it at least engaged me for about 15 minutes.
But alas, Edward meets Clover (yes, as in four-leaf, Angelina Jolie) at a party and she seduces him (in about 5 seconds, in what has to be the worst sex scene ever put on film) and she gets knocked up. So Edward leaves Laura and marries Clover.
Edward gets drafted and heads the infantile CIA in England in WWII. Nothing happens. No spying. No intrigue. No codes or secret handshakes. Nothing. What did this have to do with the start of the CIA? NOTHING! That’s what. It’s just there to be there.
Edward returns home to meet his five year-old son, Eddie Jr., and reunite with Clover (now called Margaret for no apparent reason). Nothing happens. Clover/Margaret and Edward fight. Eddie Jr. watches. Blah, blah, blah. What does this have to do with anything? NOTHING! That’s what. It’s just there to be there.
Finally in the last 15 minutes there is a small plot. Edward Jr. joins the CIA. He is in the Congo and meets a woman who turns out to be a Russian spy. He tells the spy secrets. Russia tells Edward Sr. if he does not become a double agent, they will kill little Eddie. Now that’s kind of interesting. But what do they do? NOTHING! That’s what. It’s just there to be there.
So here’s my favorite screen shot:
Notice that’s the title screen. But more importantly, notice the bricks behind our TV? Yeah, I got so bored watching this thing, I actually started counting the bricks. Incidentally there are 60.
On the DVD:
Deleted scenes adding another subplot. Clover’s brother was captured by the Japanese in WWII. Upon returning to America, he joins the CIA. But it turns out he is a double agent. What does this have to do with anything? NOTHING! That’s what. It’s just there to be there.
Thank God they took it out of this movie.
FINAL ANALYSIS!
This film clocks in at just under 3 hours! 3 hours of nothing. 3 hours of sheer boredom. 3 hours of the most uninteresting lead character to ever grace the screen. Unless you’re trying to bore a member of the opposite sex into finding you more interesting than a movie, avoid this film at all costs.
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