I'm really amazed at the Wachowski Brothers. Having directed THE MATRIX I expected so much goodness from them. But since MATRIX they haven't directed anything I've ever enjoyed again. What happened? Did they peak with only one movie! They threw in all their good ideas and iota of talent into a singular film? Why are we still giving them money? More importantly, why am I still going to their movies?
SPEED RACER is the story of. . . Jeeze, I don't think I can even tell you. When I sat down in the theatre I assumed the story was going to be about a world in which car racing was the national past-time and where the impossible was possible. What I got was a movie about insider stock trading, and rigging races so that big companies can buy and sell each other. At least that's what I'm assuming the movie is about because they sure as hell don't make it easy to figure out. Roger Allam is the villainous Royalton. CEO of Royalton Something-Or-Other. It seriously would have made more sense to name him and company Cogswell Cogs. After a fantastic race that Speed wins Royalton attempts to woo the Racer family to joining his company. Who in their right mind, if they weren't crooked or cheaters, would listen to any CEO that looks like Allam? He sweats venom. His look is the very deffinition of villainous and devious. Within a second of meeting him you can clearly see that he is the films bad guy. The only thing missing from his motiff is the Snidley Whiplash moustache and hat. I was fully expecting him at one point to tie our female lead to the train tracks. But that's neither here or there.
Clearly what the Wachowski's love, is anime. They jizz all over that shit. It's clear that they love anime because you can see the influence in all their work. What I think they have a hard time realizing is that anime is only fun to watch in ANIME!! When you take that art-form and try to translate it into live action, that's a tricky horse to tame. In fact, the only time it was, was in THE MATRIX. SPEED RACER was never a great cartoon. Groundbreaking? Eh, maybe. At the time I'm sure it was. But not by any means a great one. Thank God however, that the Wachowski's decide to bombard the audience with crappy camera work, vibrant and nauseating colors, and a story that Tolkein could never follow to distract us from the fact that this movie was based on a cartoon that wasn't all that entertaining in the first place. The movie, makes the anime look like Picasso.
The cinematography in this movie consists of two shots. A close-up on someone, or a spinning close-up on someone. The rest is built within a completley 3-D realm. Which I will give, looks fantastic. It tries to hard to be extreme that it just ends up being uninspired. It probably would have worked better in a live action version of Futurama. Beyond the nit picks of how it was shot (blandly), the poorness in the quality of the movie is in the writing and/or editing. This is a movie built on flashbacks, and flash-forwards, and flash-sideways. There's a part where Speed is in Royalton's office turning down his offer to sign with him, which sends Royalton into a tyrade of predicting what's going to happen to Speed and his family. First, Speed will lose a race and his family's business will be put under suspicion of cheating and go bankrupt. Still Speed refuses his offer and walks out of his office. The next shot is Speed sitting in a locker room looking depressed and then some guy walks in and confirms that what was said going to happen, actually did happen, and right before I passed out all I could think of was, "If it weren't for my horse. . ." If I can barely follow the story with such shoddy narrative as this has how in the name of all that's holy can you expect a child, the target audience for this mess, to follow along? I'm assuming the fact they couldn't do that is why so many of them were running up and down the fucking theatre like we were in Chuck E. Cheese or something.
Then there's the racing. The main (at least for me) reason why I was at this movie in the first place. You know what? Not bad. There's actually some really interesting dynamics to the parts where the drivers are racing against one another to be first. Add weapons into the mix like we're playing some giant version of Road Rash or Twisted Metal and you have some really thrilling events. To be honest I haven't heard one person tell me they were expecting the physics in this thing to be based on real life physics. We get that it's a movie and believe it or not we do suspend our disbelief for the most part. Suspending physics in this movie allows for some really interesting and exhilerating race-car battles where cars can do some sort of non-existant karate. However this gets really, really repetative. Speed Racer continuously uses the hydroclic jump pumps under his car to evade disaster and dodge attacks. You'de think the other drivers would get hip to this technique the first hundred times he uses it. There's literally no differentiation between the gas pedal, brake pedal, or hydro jump pedal to Speed, because he uses them all equally. Personally I'de like to see this technology reach the already popular bouncing cars. Someone sets it to high and bounces his car upside down on his roof. Sweet.
If there's one thing I can say positively about this film is that the acting was top notch. Top notch at least for what they were given.
Emile Hirsch right off of his stint on INTO THE WILD tackles the titular role as Speed and he does so with the seriousness and care that is required for someone who is defending the honor of his family, and the memory of his brother. When we finally get to the climactic final race at the end of the movie even though it's shit, you're still pulling for him to win.
I haven't enjoyed John Goodman in a film since BIG LEBOWSKI and MONSTER'S INC. Believe it or not he is actually the soul of this movie. I know, I know. I was shocked too. There are several times during the movie where this fighting between ninjas and other racers. Speed and the other hold their own pretty well but when Goodman steps in, there is that one "Awww shit" moment. The one and only, "Awww shit" moment. Never thought I'd say it, but God bless you John Goodman.
Matthew Fox is Racer X. Who is really Speed's pressumably dead brother Rex Racer. According to Mike this was something that was always implied in the cartoon but never out-right said. My figuring is that the Wachowski's knew there was no way on God's green Earth that there was ever going to be a sequel. They held this reveal off until the end to try and throw a twist in for you. Because you see in the beginning of the film Rex Racer is played by Scott Porter (From previously shitty movie PROM NIGHT). I turned to Drew and said, "You figure out the ending yet?" Because Racer X says stuff and shows traits that only Rex would know. So Speed asks to see his face and when he removes his mask it's revealed to be Matt. Not Scott. But then Drew says, "If they pull the plastic surgery bullshit I'm going to be very angry." And then at the end it's revealed Dun, Dun, Dun!! That Racer X is Rex, with massive amounts of plastic surgery! FUCK! Where the hell do I sign up to get the surgery that makes me look like Matthew Fox?
But we're not done yet. Not by a goddamn long shot. Because while this movie is punching you in the face for two hours and twenty minutes Paulie Litt, the 12 year old demon from Jersey, is kicking your balls. Kicking them like a prize fighting Tai-Bo fighter. He, and a monkey, play Spritle and Chim-Chim. They are the sole reason why during periods of this movie you feel like crack-addled child after guzzling down a case of Yoo-Hoo and thirty Pixie-Stix. This kid and that damn monkey are not entertaining, charming, or more importantly funny. Dear God in Heaven what did people see in this cartoon?
Despite all the tragic, tragic flaws that make this movie terrible there is one glaring aspect that I cannot look past. According to the Motion Picture Association of America and I quote, "The more mature themes in some PG-rated motion pictures may call for parental guidance. There may be some profanity and some depictions of violence or brief nudity. But these elements are not deemed so intense as to require that parents be strongly cautioned beyond the suggestion of parental guidance." Notice the part where they say "Not deemed so intense as to require parental caution"? This movie in a variety of scenes had torture, bounded beatings, fingers being eaten by piranha's, gun fights, death, lots and lots of death, and swearing. How can this movie possibly ever get a PG rating! By their very definition of the film it deserves no less than PG-13. I say this not as a concerned parent or worried citizen, I say it because this PG rating screams of Warner Bros. paying off the MPAA to get this particular rating. Clearly endorsing my belief that ratings can be bought because the MPAA is run by a bunch of greedy, self righteous, fuck heads.
FINAL ANALYSIS!
The Wachowski's have finally reached that point in their career where they just need to stop. Writing and directing is clearly not working out for them. When they just write a film, we get gold like V: FOR VENDETTA. When they write and direct we get shit like SPEED RACER. An assault on your senses. And by assault I mean a physical altercation that results in one person going to jail. This is what I imagine it must look like inside the head of someone who is autistic.
They spit on everything that is good and just about movies. Experimental? Maybe. Pretentious? It drips with it. If CLOVERFIELD fucked you up, than this movie is going to destroy you. The flashing colors and lights, and frantic movements all lead to one conclusion. The Wachowski's want to eliminate the curse epilepsy holds over the world, by killing each and every person effected by it. Death will come swiftly to those living with this disorder. Leaving the world free for people like me who have no seizure inducing affliction. Strobe light sales will increase, and the world, as one, will party.
Genius.