The fucking movie isn't even about John Connor. The entire fucking reason why the previous three movies were even made! Instead we get Sam Worthington, an actor whom I'm pretty sure I will never hear from again, playing Marcus. A man who is a walking joke machine. I'm fairly certain his dialouge was written by one of those little devices you can buy at Spencer's Gifts that when you press a button emits such phrases as, "Who Farted?, Piss Off, and Go to Hell!" What else but one of those ridiculous toys could come up with a line like, "Now I know what death tastes like?" Really? Really? We're going to use that line? Fucking WGA strike. Marcus is scentenced to death at the turn of the millenia, what he did to warrant such a punishment is not told. You're just supposed to know he's bad. Helena Bonham Carter who clearly isn't as expensive to hire as I thought, plays a Cyberdyne rep. interested in getting Marcus to sign his body over to science when he dies. He does, because he's a tool who will do whatever anyone tells him. About a year after judgement day he wakes up and wonders where he is. The whole story leads up to the big revelation that he's really a Terminator but didn't know it. And the audience is not the least bit surprised. Sorry McG, M. Night Shyamalan you are not. And you know why? Because as awful a person as M. Night is, at least he doesn't put the twist ending to his movies IN THE FUCKING TRAILER!!! I figured out the big surprise four months before the movie even opened. I'm so happy that McG is producer in credit only on SUPERNATURAL. He's such a fuck-up that if he were to lay a directorial hand on that property he'd end up getting the entire CW pulled from the air.
At some point in the movie we get John Connor to show up. But it's not the leader of men, Aragorn-esque, John Connor we've been promised since 1984. It's the piss and moan John Connor I was afraid would happen but never expected from an actor like Christian Bale. The man-god who I thought could do no wrong (save for THE PRESTIGE, but that's a special kind of hell) did wrong. He did real wrong. It was like someone sat him down and explained everything that John Connor was about and stood for and he said, "Fuck it, I'm not doing that. Try again." But he said it all Batmany so you could tell he was serious. What was most frustrating at this point of the timeline is that John Connor has yet to send Kyle Reese back in time to meet his mom, lay pipe, and plant the seed that will become him. Kyle Reese isn't even old enough in this movie to have pubes yet! Because we know he's not sending Kyle back anytime soon there's no sense of impending doom. We know he's going to survive every encounter and that no matter what he will live through whatever nightmare is sent his way because major events in his life have yet to happen. We know the story and we know how that chapter ends. What would have been far more gratifying is the story of what happens to John AFTER he sends Kyle back in time to bang his mom. That's the missing piece of the story. That's the natural progression we all want to see happen! Does John succeed in over throwing the machines? Does he get all philosophical with The Architect? What, what, what!!! And by the way, what the fuck is with his distrust in a machine that wants to help him? That part really drove me crazy. When Marcus' big reveal takes place and he asks John to trust him, John is like "Go to hell machine! I kill you!" Did he forget that not that long ago his life was saved by two, count em', TWO!! Terminator machines? This movie was like starring in my own German Scheizer Video, and I was on the receiving end of the scheizer. It's all perpetuated by the fact that absolutely no one involved with the movie gave a shit. James Cameron saw what they were doing and rejected any attempt to have his name attatched to it in any sort of fashion what-so-ever. We all should have paid attention to him. When the man who gave us the TERMINATOR and ALIENS speaks you listen. It was as if McG in all his non-vowel glory wanted to make a movie about killer robots waging war on people but didn't want to do any of the leg work of setting up a story, and creating a world in which these characters could live. Instead he said aloud to himself in his cave of tortures, "Hey! Why don't I just rape the TERMINATOR series?" And rape he did, he cornholed it.
Bryce Dallas Howard is in it for some reason, and while I hear she is actually a fine and decent actress I still can't forgive her for what she did to me in THE VILLAGE so any movie I see her in always has a tainted after taste to it. The same goes for this. A crap-load generic summery explosion orgasm with a foul Bryce Howard after taste. Inevitabley the sequel will be made. You can tell this was set up with SAGA in mind. And I like a half brain starved zombie will probably shuffle my way into the theatre seat with soda and popcorn in tow waiting to get predictabley pissed. I just hope that at that point we get me some goddamn purple laser blasts.
This movie makes SCARY MOVIE look like SCARY MOVIE 2. Fuck it.
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