#5: OCEAN'S 13
I had no desire in any bone in my body to see OCEAN'S 12. And therefor thought I was really going to hate OCEAN'S 13. Oooh how wrong I was. This is actually a great film. Hell, I even tolerate George Clooney in this film! That's a certain kind of special to make me like George Clooney.
#4: FANTASTIC FOUR RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER
I hate, hate, hated the first FANTASTIC FOUR and I was about to kill myself before this sequel started. Thankg God I didn't pull the trigger. Doug Jones as Silver Surfer is one of the performances of the summer. He tops himself consistantly in every movie he's in. The dynamic between the super team finally clicks, and the movie is finally fun! I love you Fantastic Four!!!!
#3: THE KING OF KONG
One of the best documentaries I've ever seen in my entire life. This tracks the status of one Steve Wiebe as he goes through hell and back again in order to take the top score from one douche, Billy Mitchell, in the game of Donkey Kong. If you love video games or really, disturbing throw backs to the 70's and 80's you will love this game.
#2: RATATOUILLE
Goddamn you Pixar. You've won my heart yet again. This story of a man who befriends a fine dining chef that also happens to be a rat is fucking genius. From beginning to end I loved it. And the fact that Patton Oswalt is the rat? Brilliant!
TRANSFORMERS!
Why do I need to say anything? It's fucking Transformers!! Optimus Prime, Megatron, Bumblebee! They're all here for fuck sake! True there are some terrible, terrible performances by 90% of the human cast, but the robots make up for all of that by being not updated versions of what I grew up with, but full fledged living and breathing autobots. Michael Bay finally knocks one outta the park and delivers a movie that I'm going to enjoy over, and over again.
#5: HALLOWEEN
I know, I know. I'm as shocked as you are. Rob Zombie's movie actually isn't the worst movie of the summer. How could he let me down like this? It's not to say that Halloween isn't a giant piece of shit. It is. It's just I'd rather see this movie again than any of the others about to be mentioned. And why would I want to see this twice? One word. Tits. There's a plethora of em' in this movie. A vertible Thanksgiving day banquet of ta-ta's. If not for them, this movie would have scored far lower on the list.
#4: SUPERBAD
I swear to God, if it hadn't been for Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Fogell/McLovin I would have shot myself in the face for sitting through this piece of shit. Fortunatley this kid provides just enough interest to keep me from suicide. Everyone else in the film? Total and complete comedic failures. How anyone can consider this funny is beyond me. It's like watching the special-ed kids do P.E.
#3: HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX
If the 6th movie is as bad as this one I just may give up on the whole film series completley. Good God in Heaven, this was a painful movie to sit through. First of all, every character that isn't Harry Potter has been shoved to the side, and secondly Daniel Radcliffe isn't that good of an actor to weight an entire film by himself. He's not. Sorry fellow Potter nerds. I never realized how awful an actor he was until I wittenessed him speak each and every word from the script. I know the WB execs are beside themselves at how much money this series keeps making them, but by no means should they ever, EVER give Daniel Radcliffe an entire movie again. No! Bad execs!
#2: HOSTEL II
This was a tough decision. HOSTEL II is easily a front contender for worst movie of the summer and year. It is so painfully boring that surgeons should be available in the lobby to remove the body organs damaged by the blunt trauma of the sheer boredom. Torture has never been so utterly dull before. And a story has never been so craptastic as this before. Eli Roth needs to quit and work in a Burger King. I'm sure there's a million Eli Roth fans who will yell at me, but if you're such a die-hard gore fan where were you when this movie opened? It sure as hell wasn't the theatre. What did this movie make? $8.50? From my matinee ticket?
SPIDER-MAN 3
Oh my Lord what a terrible, terrible movie. This is nothing like the previous SPIDER-MAN films. Hell, it's nothing like a film. It is the worst excuse for a movie I have ever seen. And it's directed by one of my favorit directors! You can easily tell Sam Raimi is done with this series. He threw in as much shit as possible so that he wouldn't ever have to come back and make another one. Let the powers that be at Sony worry about SPIDER-MAN 4. Tobey and Kirsten are just as awful if not more so. The villain everyone's been clamouring for, Venom, is in it for all of two seconds. And for some unholy reason Miss Dunst is involved in a broadway song, and a dance to Chubby Checkers. Who the fuck dances to Chubby Checkers while making cookies? And sorry, not even the holiest of holies, Bruce Campbell, could pull this turd back from the U-Pipe. Welcome as he was in a movie devoid of life, humor, action, or fun, I'm afraid nothing can save this movie. Just pronounce it dead already so that I may move on with my life.