YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN:

CHRIST I WISH I LISTENED

Watching ZOHAN is very much like watching someone die in front of you. Not a quick death like someone who trips on a rock on the sidewalk and falls head first into an oncoming car. Something far less comical. Like watching someone who'se been dragged by a subway train, and their intestines are hanging out of their gut. Screaming and pleading for someone to crush their skulls instead of calling for an ambulance. That's what it feels like to watch Adam Sandler make an attempt to humorize the whole Middle Eastern conflict. In fact, I would easily trade places with the disembowled dragging victim than have to watch ZOHAN one more time.

Firs of all, what the fuck is up with all the hummus jokes? Hummus is one of the most delicious substances on Earth. And yes, Middle Eastern people love that shit. I'd put it on sandwhiched if I could afford the quality stuff on a regular basis. But every time you turned around in this flick everyone's dumping hummus either into their tea, coffee, hair, toothpast, ennema, vaginal diaphragm. *Eeeeech*. Now I love wacky off the wall comedy as much as the next man. AIRPLANE and most of Mel Brooks' movies are hilarious in their zaniness. But at least their's a purpose to their zaniness. Here, it's just really, really stupid joke after the next. Like when Adam is sitting at the dinner table with his mom and dad, and his dad is eating dipping food in hummus. Then. . .his father takes off his eyeglasses, dips them into the hummus, and slurps it down. How the fuck is that funny? It was unprovoked, he had several sets of spoons sitting beside, he didn't even have the common curtousy to say "Hey! It would be really funny if I dipped my glasses in this shit huh?" And it all goes downhill from there.

Adam Sandler is the titular Zohan. An Israeli counter terrorist who is the best at what he does. But for some reason he can achieve feats of Superman-esq skill. Seriously, the only thing he can't do is fly. Unless they cut they part out of the movie. Because this mother fucker is bullet proof, super fast and other gay shit like that. But all Zohan wants is to cut hair. And his family scoffs at him for it. So he fakes his death after a humiliating defeat at the hands of the equally humiliating and probably more annoying John Turturro as The Phantom. After making everyone believe that his death is legit he moves to New York City to work in a salon for hair styling. Do I even need to mention that wackiness ensues? Really, horrorfying comedy.

Nick Swardson who screamingly hilarious in GRANDMA'S BOY plays the same character in this film. And he is far from hilarious that it borders on madness and jumps head first into the dull. There's a whole screwy scene where Zohan and Nick's mother (played by Lainie Kazan the bloated mother from BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING) fuck at every given moment.

The only job available for Zohan is to sweep hair at a salon owned by a Palastinian piece of ass. Emmanuelle Chriqui. Oh my God! She is so fucking hot! Seriously hot. Hot enough to make this movie bareable? Even if she stripped naked and performed a hardcore solo sex act in this movie, it wouldn't make it any better. That's how awful Adam Sandler is. He can take a hot chick and destroy any enjoyment from looking at her. Through this job he gets promoted to stylist. And it's not long after that he begins demonstrating why these old bags keep coming to him for styling in the first place. Because he fucks each and every one of them that walk through the door. Now the movie switches gear and focuses on the giant crotch Sandler's character performs. They focus on his crotch and cock as much as it focuses on hummus. So much so that I thought this movie should have been called COCK AND HUMMUS. If they were make a porn version of the movie, it could be called COCK AND CUMMUS.

FINAL ANALYSIS!

It seems to me as if Adam Sandler is going out of his way to be as unfunny as possible. As if him, Robert Smigel, and Judd Apatow woke up one morning and said, "Let's write the worst comedy ever made!" And they ran with it. They ran with it like Rudy with a football. What angers me even more is that Robert Smigel was a writer! A really seriously funny man. The man who brought to SNL TV FUN-HOUSE. And Triumph the Insult Comic Dog! I mean this guy is screamingly hilarious! What the fuck is this movie all about? Talk about shit.

This is how bad the movie is. Rob Schneider is the saving grace of the movie. I'm not even kidding. He's actually endearing and emotional as a Palestinian terrorist. The advertising was almost right when they said "Rob Schneider will suicide bomb your funny bone!" And, "You'd have turbin crazy to miss this comedy." HAHAHAHA! Kill me.

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